11742727_612429752229011_1396530073453730598_n

Advertisements

The most dangerous food group

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. 
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten them or will eat it. 
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said “Wedding Cake”

The Porsche

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream,

 

“Where did you get that car ?”

 

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

 

“With what money !?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

 

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars ?” they asked

 

Porsche
                                                          joke

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

 

“Oh my goodness !!” moaned the mother, “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next ? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

 

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

 Porsche
                                                          joke

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

Then apparently, she stole all his money and stranded him there !! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

So that’s exactly what I did !!”

Are the Irish the most charitable nation in the world?

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man……air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.  I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

The first drink with my son. PS I don’t have a son.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and  memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.

I bought him a Fosters. He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I bought him a Carling Black Label. He didn’t like that, so I drank it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.