Toilet Seat Humour

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden

seat on our toilet.  Finally I got around to doing it while Julie was out shopping. 

After finishing I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

 

She came home and prepared to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower

she got undressed and then sat on the toilet.  As she tried to stand up she

realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

 

About that time I got home and realized her predicament.  We both pushed and

pulled without any success whatsoever.  Finally in desperation I undid the toilet

seat bolts.  Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital

emergency room.

 

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her

(Try to get a mental picture of this.).  Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of

it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

 

The Doctor replied, “Actually I’ve seen lots of them… ……….

I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

Theresa May Jokes – Please share

Q: How many Tory U-Turns does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A: Under the Strong And Stable™ leadership of Theresa May there will be no changes to any lightbulbs.
 Clarification: Under the Strong And Stable™ Leadership of Theresa May all changes to lightbulbs will be means-tested.
 Re-clarification: Under the Strong And Stable™ Leadership of Theresa May the number of changes to lightbulbs will be capped. Details of the cap will be announced after the General Election when we are pretty sure that voters will have forgotten about the original Tory Policy on changes to lightbulbs.
I want to be absolutely clear on this. There has been no change to our policy on lightbulbs. 
I bring strong and stable changes to light bulbs and want the best possible changes to light bulbs. 
But let me be clear. No lightbulb change is better than a bad lightbulb change. But let me be clear. Corbyn couldn’t change a lightbulb. His coalition of chaos couldn’t even find a lightbulb. My strong and stable leadership will put in the right team to change light bulbs and will stand up for the right lightbulb change. 

Urology Surgery -NSFW (Probably)

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.
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But… After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimetres.
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I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking, as it was starting to drag on the ground.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.
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“How long will he be on crutches?” my wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.

“Well,” Said my wife coldly, “you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?
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God is Great

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her
car and found that she had locked her keys inside.  The woman found an
old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.  She looked at it and said,
“I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up driven by a
bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.  He got off of his
cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in my
car and I must get home.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my
car?”

He said, “Sure.”  He walked over to the car, and in less than a
minute, the car door was open.   She hugged the man and through tears,
softly said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I’m not a
nice man.  I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car
theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a professional.”

Is God great or what?