Note my sainted mother did not send me this and I would hate anyone to imagine that she would use any or some of these words – I am not sure that she even knows what weed is
Yet another blonde joke sent to me by my blonde mother…….Or at least she’s blonde now….
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
‘I’m sorry, ‘St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’
‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’
‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.
‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.
‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’
‘The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
‘The third is ‘What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?’
‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’
‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’
The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’
St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’
The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’
‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’
‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
The blonde replied; ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’
‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’
‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’
‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.’
And the blonde entered Heaven…
And what’s worse .. you’re now singing it yourself …..
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 2 years ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company 2 years ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 6 years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock 5 years ago, you would have nothing today.
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco’s, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British!
Rather than being supplied by my sainted mother, I pinched this from Facebook
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?”, he asked his assistant.
“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives.”
“You idiot” said the chemist, “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”
“Of course you can” the assistant replied,
“Look at him………he daren’t cough now!!”
(Warning possibly slightly blondist….)
(Don’t read if easily offended)
(But my dear sainted mother sent it to me and she’s blonde. So that makes it ok – doesn’t it?)
A business man got into a Lift.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
He smiled at her and replied,
She looked puzzled and repeated,
“T-G-I-F,” more slowly.
He again answered,
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
The man smiled back to her and once again,
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank God, It’s Friday.’ Get it,duuhhh?”
The man answered,
“S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday’– duuhhh.