The advantage of a bespoke suit

Jim had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, “Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Jim was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”
Jim laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Jim tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Jim thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Jim and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Jim was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Jim walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Jim thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
Jim laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

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WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

 

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool.”

A 12″ Bic

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, “Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?”
The English guy says, “A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle”.

“Wow”, says the American, “Can I have a go?”

“Sure”, Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, “You have one wish” Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says “I don’t believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks”.

The Englishman says “Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?”.

Love in old age

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse..’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

Selective deafness

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’