British One Liners…..I Thank You

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper … I woke up this morning with a huge correction. 
  
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk … unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. 
  
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.  All I said was, ‘Hurry up for Christ’s sake, some of us have got homes to go to!’ 
  
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘What do you feel like for dinner my love …… chicken, beef or lamb?’ I said, ‘Chicken, please. 
‘ She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat pig, I was talking to the cat!’ 

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