Dear Husband

My Dear husband,
I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you. I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years, yet I have nothing to show for it. The last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today. This was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or do anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Wife.
PS. Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together. Have a great life!
Dear EX-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work any more. I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment…. and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for seven years. About the new nightie, I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300.00 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out, so when I won the $20 million first prize of Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought two tickets for us to go go Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.


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