Marriage, Sex and Lance Armstrong

Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…
“Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
— The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
— A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he’s achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.
— When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frigin bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
— Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
— I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.


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