At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…
“Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
— The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
— A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he’s achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.
— When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frigin bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
— Now he drives by and changes the channels.
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
— I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.