Automatic Switchboard in the Home

         
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
Your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
And a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn’t matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.8.7.4.3.2. To spell out the person you are calling

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
Or before the beep or after the beep. Or before or after.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
Hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons.
You’ll just mess it up.

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