Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…….
A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts “who’s been f****** my wife?”a voice in the back shouts ” you don’t have enough bullets”…..
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of “don’t worry babe, your tits cover it” wasn’t the answer she was looking for.
Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he’d never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper “nah then, does tha’ sell arse cream?”
The shopkeeper replies ” aye lad we do, does tha’ want a Magnum or a Cornetto?”
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said “I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you’re not doing anything to help”.
So I sent her a timetable.
I can’t stop thinking about prisons ……………………….my mind works in strangeways.
I cannot stand people who think they’re worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!