Wednesday Wit…..But obviously on a different day

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
        
Just got my water bill for £175.  That’s a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
      
  Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
   I think they were those “Hovis Witnesses.”

 Just a Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s  Riots….Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out  Soon.
              
      IT’S A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I  DON’T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A  BOY”
       And  with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another  Thai Brothel!!!
        
      Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a  woman with her mouth  shut.
  
      A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
          Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
      
               Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.  Dad reluctantly agrees.
             Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
             Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
             Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
             Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
             Billy says, ‘ Wimbledon.’
      
  A  woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: ‘I  look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a  compliment.’
      He  replies, ‘Your eyesight is  perfect.’
      
 Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy  body?’
  Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!
      
 An elderly couple is attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
       He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

 

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