Travel by Bus!

Following on from the post about ‘oldies’ at the Post Office, I thought I’d let you all know of today’s bit of fun. Me and the missus went into town earlier and when we came out of a shop there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him “c’mon mate, give a poor pensioner a break”. He said that I was too late cos he’d started the process. I told him he was a nasty jobsworth which he didn’t take kindly to.

Then he said he was gonna write another ticket for a bald tyre. My missus said to him that he was a bit of a turd head. He got really annoyed and said he was gonna write yet another ticket for a defective back light…this went on for about 15 minutes. Eventually he says “there…three tickets…hows that?”

I said “I don’t give a toss mate…we came in on the bus”.🤡

Facebook Stories

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on Facebook?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post “I can’t see SQUAT!” and use their own light bulbs

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

13 to comment “Me too”

5 to post to the page that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 admin to ban the light bulb posters for inserting political discussion and close the thread.

Farting in Bed

A couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. 
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! 

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. 

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing , tears in her eyes! 

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. 

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. 

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” 

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. 

“Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”