A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car ?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money !?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars ?” they asked
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness !!” moaned the mother, “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next ? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.
Then apparently, she stole all his money and stranded him there !! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So that’s exactly what I did !!”
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man……air passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.
I bought him a Fosters. He didn’t like it – so I drank it.
Then I bought him a Carling Black Label. He didn’t like that, so I drank it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.
Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, went to Bar in Dublin and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, “That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary. “
Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.
“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said the barman. “And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland”
“That is remarkable value”, Michael comments.
The Barman says “I see you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please.”
O’Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
“Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “That’ll be an extra 2 euro – You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro.
“I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please”
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can’t squeeze in he complains “Nobody would fit in that little frame”.
“I’m afraid if you can’t fit in the frame you’ll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir.”
O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
“I see that you have brought your laptop with you” added the barman. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro.”
O’Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
the counter, and yelled, “This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager”.
“Ah, I see you want to use the counter,” says the barman, “that will be 2 euro please.”
O’Leary’s face was red with rage.
“Do you know who I am?”
“Of course I do Mr. O’Leary,”
“I’ve had enough, What sort of bar is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!”
“Here is his Email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second.”
O’Leary retorted “I will never use this bar again” “
“OK sir, but remember, we are the only bar in Ireland selling pints for one Euro.”
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman –
“Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied
“My husband’s cheque book
A prospective husband in a book store asked “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.
Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
Wife : I wish I was a newspaper, so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I wish that too, so I could have a new one every day !
Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he repeats : Today is a fine day. Again, the next day he says the same thing. Finally after a week, the wife couldn’t take it anymore and asks: for the last week, you have said “Today is a fine day”. I am fed up.
What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week, when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was trying to remind you…”
|After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn’t belong to him.