A crap joke

Rather than being supplied by my sainted mother, I pinched this from Facebook

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

 “What’s wrong with him?”, he asked his assistant.

 “He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any

 so I gave him an entire box of laxatives.”

 “You idiot” said the chemist, “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”

 “Of course you can” the assistant replied,

 “Look at him………he daren’t cough now!!”

S-H-I-T

 

Health Warning

(Warning possibly slightly blondist….)

(Don’t read if easily offended)

(But my dear sainted mother sent it to me and she’s blonde. So that makes it ok – doesn’t it?)

A business man got into a Lift.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
“T-G-I-F”

He smiled at her and replied,
“S-H-I-T”

She looked puzzled and repeated,
“T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered,
“S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
“T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again,
“S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank God, It’s Friday.’ Get it,duuhhh?”

The man answered,
“S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday’– duuhhh.

Signs (and wonders)

A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver :
We  will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A sign over a Gynecologist’s office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.

At an Optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for…you’ve come to the right place.

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car  Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet…miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for all my friends that became MPs the other week

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution: This Truck is full of Political Promises”

One for all the grandmothers out there

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his  9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,

“Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

“Yes, coach”, replied the little boy. ”

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game
so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?”

“No, coach.”

“Good”, said the coach.

“Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

A Knitting Joke – No really

A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the lady yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”