Car Trouble

A punter pushes their BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The punter says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
They asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Another job I wasn’t cut out for

So after landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very sweary, unpleasant, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The unpleasant, sweary woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda .”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

The General Election Explained (stolen from FB)

Ok so let me get this right……’The Conservatives won…but lost …Labour lost ….but won….the SNP won and lost in Scotland, but still won and the Conservatives won in Scotland, but lost.. .the government was Tory, but now can’t be even though it is still and they need to make some Northern Irish chaps Tory, so they can be in charge, even though they were and still are…UKIP lost, but because of brexit they already won …Independents won, but didn’t win because they don’t have a party, so they lost but are now MPs so they won …the winner ( May ) is being told to resign because she didn’t win and she won’t because she won.’
And to top it off, Sturgeon choked on her porridge, Parliament is hung, yet they are all still alive and breathing …….

All seems perfectly straight forward to me….