Hawaiian Pizza

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

Should’ve cooked it on Aloha setting

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Banks support the NHS

Was in the bank earlier and queued behind a nurse.

She got a paying in slip from the clerk, pulled out a rectal thermometer from her breast pocket and tried to write with it, the clerk gave her a strange look.

Quick as a flash the nurse said…bloody marvellous innit…some arseholes got my pen.

The advantage of a bespoke suit

Jim had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, “Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Jim was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”
Jim laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Jim tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Jim thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Jim and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Jim was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Jim walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Jim thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
Jim laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

 

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool.”