A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not?” giggles the woman.
“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket!”
In a jewellers yesterday with the missus.
There’s a woman in there and as she bent to look at some diamond rings she let out a little fart. Looking embarrassed, she had a quick look around and the salesman was behind her.
He was very professional and says “How can I help you today madam”. She says “Could you tell me how much this lovely diamond ring is please”.
Quick as a flash he replies “Well if just looking at it makes you fart…you’re gonna shit when I tell you the price
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.
Should’ve cooked it on Aloha setting
Was in the bank earlier and queued behind a nurse.
She got a paying in slip from the clerk, pulled out a rectal thermometer from her breast pocket and tried to write with it, the clerk gave her a strange look.
Quick as a flash the nurse said…bloody marvellous innit…some arseholes got my pen.
Fella goes to the doctor. “Doctor, I have a real problem” Doctor says “ok tell me about it”.
Fella says “Well it’s like this…I have five willy’s”. Doctors replies “Five willy’s…how do your pants fit”.
Fella…”like a glove”
I told my engineer husband to cook the pie at 120 degrees……..