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Politicians and Doctors

 Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

 The second, from Chicago, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.’

 The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

 The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.’

 But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. 

Politicians are the easiest to operate on There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.  Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

Monk’s Mistake

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son.”


He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn’t
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

 

“We missed the  

R!

We missed the  

R!


We missed the bloody  

R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.


The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

 

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

 

“The word was …

CELEBRATE!”

 

Ancient Wisdom of an Old Woman

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. 

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. 

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. 

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. 

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. 

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. 

All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.